Getting All Stirred Up
There’s a video clip doing the rounds of Twitter at the moment. It’s this video clip.
(NB. I *THINK* this is the original tweet that posted the video clip first. I can’t find the clip as a direct non-twitter link, so am posting this in the absence of that. I don’t know or follow this twitter account and I’m only posting the tweet so you can see the video. I am not making any comment - whether for or against - the accompanying text of the tweet)
When it first showed up in my Twitter feed, I didn’t know who the preacher was. After a while, I worked out that he’s kind of a big deal over in the US. What can I say? I’m an Aussie. We live on the other side of the world, and it takes a long time for the carrier pigeons to bring the latest news from afar.
After a while, I also worked out that this clip has caused quite a stir on Twitter over the last few days. I found that interesting because, yes indeedy, this clip did in fact cause quite the stir in me too. But for different reasons than it has for most people I’ve since read who have gotten all stirry about it.
What was I all stirred up about? Well, first, here’s what I wasn’t stirred up about.
In the clip, the preacher (Andy Stanley) speaks about gay Christians in the church. That, or rather they, are his focus. That, or rather they, are who his comments are about. And that, or rather they, is what the main stir online has been about.
But as important as I believe that focus is and as significant as I think those people are when I first watched the clip I was stirred up for a different reason, for the sake of a different group of people. Let me explain.
In the clip Andy Stanley says the following:
“A gay person who knows ‘You know what? I might not be accepted here but I’m going to try it anyway.’ Have you ever done that as a straight person? Where do you go where you’re not sure you’re going to be accepted and you go over and over and over and over?
Only your in-law’s house.
[The congregation laughs].That’s the only place you go where you know you’re not completely accepted and you go over and over… What [other] environment do YOU continue to step foot in knowing that at any moment you might feel ostracised? No place
My jaw dropped as I listened. Was he serious?
What opposite-sex attracted Christian has set foot in a place over & over again despite feeling unwelcome? Like they don’t belong? Marginalised? Ostracised?
At this point, I imagined the majority of never-married, divorced and widowed opposite-sex attracted Christian men and women quietly raising their hand from their spot in the corner of the church or from their inconspicuous seats there in the back row of chairs.
What opposite-sex attracted Christian has set foot in a place over & over again despite feeling unwelcome? Like they don’t belong? Marginalised? Ostracised?
They have. THEY. HAVE
(And their raised hands are joined by those of any number of other individuals who are not white, married and middle-class).
You’re darn right I was all stirred up.
When Being Stirred Up is Uncomfortable
But the thing is, I don’t like getting all stirred up like that. Honestly. I don’t like getting stirred up to the point of indignant anger about the marginalisation of singles in the evangelical church.
Perhaps it surprises you to hear me say that? After all, I’ve spent most of the last decade thinking, writing and resourcing in this space. Surely I live to be stirred up about this kind of stuff?
Actually, no. I don’t. Just the opposite in fact.
My whole approach, my whole outlook, my whole schtick about reforming, reshaping, rediscovering, reimagining our problematic narrative about singleness is based on the conviction that the most powerful, most faithful, most effective way to do that is in refocusing our eyes on God’s glorious narrative about singleness. I am absolutely convinced that our fundamental and foundational need in this space is the recapturing of a faithful, truthful, expansive, grand, wonderful theological vision of singleness. That’s why I’ve invested the last 8 years of my life in trying to think carefully about what that vision of singleness—God’s vision for singleness—rightly is.
It’s also why I try to avoid the “woe is me” approach to Christian singleness as much as I possibly can.
Down here in the great south land, we love ourselves a good, classic Aussie rock song. One of the greats was first released back in 1982 and then repopularised for an entirely new generation by 2004 Australian Idol runner-up Shannon Noll. The song is called “What About Me?”
"Well there's a little boy waitin' at the counter of a corner shop
He's been waitin' down there, waitin' half the day
They never ever seem to have the time
He gets pushed around, knocked to the ground
He gets to his feet and he says...
"What About me, it isn't fair
I've had enough now I want my share
Can't you see? I want to live!
But you just take more than you give..."“What about me? It isn’t fair?!” became a meme for an entire nation. We Aussies love having ourselves a good whinge, and this song gives us the perfect opening line for some ironic, self-obsessed, discontented grumbling.
Despite that, I really do try hard to avoid using the “What about me? It isn’t fair!” objection in my work on singleness. I also try really hard to encourage other singles not to hitch a ride on that train either.
Why? Well, not because there is absolutely never any truth behind the complaint. But rather, because:
While it may feel immensely satisfying to do your best Shannon Noll impression at top volume, it’s just not a powerful rhetorical tool in and of itself. Critique can only go so far. Especially whiney critique. To bring about change requires construction just as much, if not more than it requires deconstruction. God’s theological vision for singleness provides us with every construction tool we so desperately need.
Because Jesus, rather than Shannon Noll, is the one we follow:
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant,[c] being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world…
Philippians 2:1-15
When Being Stirred Up Is Necessary
And yet, there is also a difference between bursting out with “What about me? It isn’t fair!” and being stirred up to tell the truth of the matter. To acknowledge the reality. To confront the way things are.
And so watching that clip from Andy Stanley left me stirred.
What opposite-sex attracted Christian has set foot in a place over & over again despite feeling unwelcome? Like they don’t belong? Marginalised? Ostracised?
Never-married opposite-sex attracted single Christians have.
Divorced opposite-sex attracted single Christians have.
Widowed opposite-sex attracted single Christians have.
Week after week. In churches throughout the Western world. They set foot in a place where over and over again they aren’t sure of their welcome. Where over and over again they aren’t sure they belong. Where over and over again they aren’t sure there is a seat for them. Or at least a seat that isn’t in the corner or the back row.
Here’s an excerpt from my forthcoming book:
The statement that most twenty-first-century Western Christian churches are primarily oriented towards families is surely an unsurprising one. Church services are often described as “family services” (though this phrase accurately describes the nature of church as family, it is usually used to indicate that a gathering or event is particularly geared towards or especially suited to individual families); ministry calendars are dominated by children’s activities, youth events, and parenting classes; training courses are run for those who are preparing for marriage, are recently married, experiencing problematic marriages, or wishing to strengthen their marriage; the vast majority of Protestant pastors and church leaders tend to be married family men; sermons are often dominated by familial illustrations and applications; and outreach into the local community tends to be focused on connecting with families. While all of these are entirely appropriate, beneficial, and important activities within the life of the church, their unabated dominance within a local church community often means that those who are not married, along with other marginal church members, can be made to feel like the leftover relatives who have been shuffled off to the oddball table at the wedding reception.
© Danielle Treweek, The Meaning of Singleness, p83.
Opposite-sex attracted single Christians have been in our churches all along. In fact, down here in Australia they account for at least 25% of our congregations. And yet so many of us have felt largely invisible. Not all of us. But many.
And so do you know what REALLY stirs me up? Even now when the evangelical church is finally starting to have constructive and faithful conversations about singleness, it seems we are STILL invisible.
Why? Because now we opposite-sex attracted singles are not the right “kind” of single. We’re not the right “kind” of celibate. Our sacrifices (I use that word ironically - see here) aren’t the right “kind” of sacrifices. And so, we remain ghosts in our own church family.
Straight Christians who don’t have a mother-in-law’s house to feel uncomfortable at? Huh? Who are they? All straight Christians are married, right? Right?!
In Matthew 19:10-12 Jesus spoke about three different types of eunuchs. Not one. But three. He didn’t just speak about those who have “chosen” not to marry. He also spoke of those whose singleness has been a matter of circumstance, beyond their control (but not beyond God’s sovereignty). He spoke about those who do not marry because they have not had the choice or opportunity to marry.
Three different experiences of being a “eunuch”. But nonetheless, all still eunuchs. Together. All still visible. Together.
My opposite sex attracted single brothers and sisters… those of you who continue to be rendered invisible even in Christian conversations about Christian singleness itself. I see you. You aren’t invisible to me.
But much, much more importantly, Jesus sees you. You aren’t invisible to him. He loves you. He died for you. He lives for you.
So, dear ones, let’s see him. Let’s live for him.
I know this preacher quite well, and what he is doing here is something he often does: Playfully challenging his audience to rethink their stance. Andy Stanley doesn't really think that the only Christians showing quiet forbearance and a Christlike attitude in church are gays! He is employing hyperbole as a technique to stir up and challenge a particular demographic: Those in danger of considering themselves "good Christians". It's a deliberate way of helping such people to look outside themselves (and outside their own "comfort zone") by considering Godliness in someone they'd regard as "other" - or possibly outside the kingdom altogether.
Much like Jesus did when he told about the Pharisee and the sinner going to the temple to pray. Or when he told his story about the "Good Samaritan". We easily form cliques and clans, yet Jesus constantly insists that we don't.
🤔😕 maybe SSA etc & single people should be as one in the church (as should everyone) because it is hard to feel all alone in a gathering of people meant to be your family... maybe my parents etc where better at this than us I drove my mum & my boys four hours
And half to a birthday party of some one who was single when I was growing but a very important part of our family....we are starting small but praying my boys have the same prefably bigger experience of a (wide) family