What Is Singleness For?
Inside Chapter One of 'Single Ever After'
(Pssst. Make sure you read to the end of this post for a special behind-the-scenes bonus!)
Every book has to begin somewhere. This one began with a question that probably underlies most discussions about Christian singleness in one way or another.
What is singleness for?
Not what can we make of it, or how can we use it—but what does singleness actually mean? What is its purpose? More to the point, does it even have a purpose?
I’ve asked that question many times in my own life—sometimes aloud, sometimes silently. And I know countless others—never-married, widowed, divorced—have asked it too. It’s one of those questions that hovers beneath the surface, especially in churches where our purpose and meaning as human beings are so often tied (intentionally or not) to being married.
As I write in Chapter One:
“If you are an unmarried Christian, I imagine there has been a time (perhaps many times) when you’ve looked at your singleness and thought to yourself, “Okay, but, well, what does it actually do? What is it good for?” Perhaps you have even wondered, “What am I good for?” We’ve been taught that God has his purposes in every area of our lives—but it’s hard to figure out what they are in this…
This is what I call an “instrumental” understanding of singleness. Not “instrument” like a guitar or a piano but instead like a fork or a shovel. That is, singleness is seen as a tool that has a specific utility. It is something that helps you do a particular thing.”
Single Ever After (p. 14, 15)
That sense of being valuable only if useful—that Christian singleness is worthwhile only when it is considered “productive”—isn't just a message we get from culture. It seeps into church life, too. We're often told that the reason why singleness is good is because it frees us up for ministry.
But what if the Bible teaches us something different? Or at least, something more?
We need a richer theology of singleness—one that sees the unmarried life not as a workaround, a tragedy or a trade-off, but as a good, God-given way of being human, even when it feels quiet, ordinary or perhaps very hard.
Chapter One of Single Ever After explores what God’s word says about the meaning, dignity and purpose of singleness. (Spoiler Alert: the answer has eternal significance). That’s why this chapter is the doorway into the rest of the book.
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A Behind-The-Scenes Bonus
Chapter One of Single Ever After begins with a story about a terrarium. Here it is in all its glory!
Dani, I appreciate your viewpoint here, but a question I've been wrestling with.
Speaking broadly, Christians would not hesitate to affirm the intrinsic goodness of marriage. For Christians, it pictures the relationship between Christ and the church. And within true (e.g. monogamous, male-female, for life) marriages even among non-believers, Christians would also affirm the goodness of marriage, perhaps using natural law, family, etc. Additionally, as Piper writes: "[portraying the covenant love between Christ and the church] is done obscurely even in a lifelong, promise-keeping, adultery-avoiding, unbelieving marriage. So marriages accomplish some of God’s purposes imperfectly, even when the spouses are unbelieving."
I agree that Christ redeems the single life (like Danylak argues in his book) and that eschatologically, singleness points to how believers will relate to one another in the new heavens and new earth. But would you say that singleness is intrinsically good even for the non-Christian (similar to my example of marriage)? Or is its goodness contingent on the single being redeemed by Christ?
I personally resent how you rope in widows and divorcees. Singleness is not the same, not even close. Never having is not the same as “having and losing.”
And it feels like you don’t intend to be serious — just marketable. It still feels like you’re playing the church game where truly single people and their challenges are never taken seriously in their own right.