When the Gift Feels More Like a Diagnosis

Inside Chapter Three of 'Single Ever After'

This was one of the hardest chapters to write—not because the content was confusing, but because it’s so painfully familiar. I know that when someone asks me, “Do you think I have the gift of singleness?” beneath the question is a knot of hopes, doubts, disappointments, and even quiet shame.

For some, it’s a question of calling: “How do I know what God wants for—and from—me?”. For others, it’s a whispered fear: “Am I meant to be alone forever?” And often it’s a cry for permission: “Is it okay if I don’t feel okay with this?”. For some singles, the phrase offers relief. For many others, it feels like a spiritual diagnosis: if you’re not content, maybe you’re not called. If you struggle with singleness, maybe you’re just not spiritual enough.

This chapter names that anxiety—and pushes us to ask a better question: what does Scripture really say about the (so-called) ‘gift of singleness’?

It’s a fair bet that any single Christian beyond the bloom of young adulthood will be familiar with the phrase “the gift of singleness”. Books, articles and sermons on singleness (and marriage) often refer to it as a kind of self-evident reality.

The same single Christian may also find themselves the subject of conversation—or, more frequently, speculation—about whether or not they have been “gifted” for singleness. The 25-year-old single man who has never been in a long-term relationship is quizzed about whether he has “the gift” or is, instead, a commitment phobe. The 37-year-old unmarried woman who longs to be a wife wonders where her “gift” has gone, even as the older ladies at church are eager to assure her that “there is a man out there for you yet, my dear!” Perhaps the 50-year-old active on every ministry roster at your church is looked on approvingly for putting their “gift of singleness” to good use. At the same time, their counterpart whose life circumstances don’t offer them the same level of flexibility is seen to be squandering theirs.

Single Ever After (p.53-54)

The more I explored Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7:7-8, the more I realised how far we’ve strayed from their original meaning. We’ve taken his straightforward language about different gifts and built a whole theology of hierarchy, pressure and even shame around it.

It’s a theology that burdens single Christians with expectations that we would never expect of married Christians. Be content all the time. Be grateful all the time. Be fruitful all the time. And if you’re not, then why aren’t you married? Why are you dragging your feet? Why are you rebelling against God’s will for your life? What’s wrong with you?

None of this is what’s on Paul’s mind in 1 Corinthians 7:7-8. He isn’t talking about a rare booster shot of spiritual empowerment for a select few. He’s talking about the gift of singleness itself. And here’s the kicker: the goodness of that gift isn’t how dependent on how you feel about it. The gift is the life God has given you today—and his grace that he promises has and will meet you in the midst of it.

This chapter was my attempt to untangle the shame and spiritual confusion many carry around the so-called “gift” and to present a far more faithful and freeing biblical truth instead.

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Over to You

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