There was still an underlying sense of disquiet on most Sunday mornings. Each week, I’d walk in and think, “Ok. Should I sit in a pew by myself and hope that someone comes to join me?” all while knowing that if they didn’t (as was often the case), I’d be sitting alone for the next hour, feeling simultaneously conspicuous and invisible. Or I’d think, “Ok. Should I approach some people already sitting down and ask if I can join them?” all while bearing the weight of almost always feeling like the ‘needy one’ in this equation.
I am married to an unbeliever, and attend church alone, every week. I understand the uncertainty and discomfort keenly. Thank you for sharing what has been on my heart for many years, and with such eloquence.
I am fortunate to worship in a congregation w many widows, so I can sit w one of them or w a younger single woman. I cannot remember, in more than 25 years worshipping as a single adult, any time a family has welcomed me to their pew.
Thank you for sharing! I recognize that weighing of options - do I risk sitting alone the whole service, or do I risk rejection if whatever seat I approach is saved? I’m sorry COVID was so hard for you, and I imagine I would have wept just like you did in that situation. I am suddenly even more grateful that I spent 2020 overseas with just a small home church of fellow believing expats who became like family to each other. Even with our group as small as it was, we couldn’t always meet in person, but even when restrictions were the strictest, I could still sit next to the other single lady in my apartment building for the zoom call. Back in the US now, I have a church that I love and many friends and acquaintances-growing-to-friends, but it has still been a big adjustment, including that dynamic of “Where do I sit?”
I went through the same thing during Covid-era services, though for me it started a year or two before; Covid just pushed it from feeling "alone in the crowd" to being in the literal corner.
Oh man this resonates so deeply. I was chronically unwell for three years, so I spent most of my time at home in bed by myself. Yet the loneliest point of my week was always going to church on Sunday. It just got harder and harder to keep going, and also to hold it together and not burst into tears. And then when I did burst into tears no one came to comfort me as they assumed it was just the Holy Spirit moving so they would leave me be (we’re Charismatics). I ended up leaving that church. It was a very hard decision, but definitely the right one. I now worship in a much smaller congregation where I feel seen and known. Church should be a place of belonging, not isolation. It breaks my heart to hear that my experience is common rather than rare.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. My wife and I have high needs kids which makes being intentional during church hard at any time, but I really appreciate your recommended action steps or things to consider. We’ve got a single guy in our small group and I had him in mind as I was reading this post. Thanks again for sharing.
This is truly what has made it difficult for me to find a church as a single. I struggle with social anxiety as well, so it makes it that much harder. Thank you for sharing this—it was good to feel seen!
Thank you for sharing so openly here, this is a really insightful post. I’m married with children and although I often feel lonely and anxious in church, my experience is very different to yours so it is incredibly helpful to get this insight. Your experience of Covid restrictions must have been so tough, it is understandable that’s had a lasting impact. I will be looking out for ways to chat, welcome and invite single people in my own church- your practical action points are so useful!
I am married to an unbeliever, and attend church alone, every week. I understand the uncertainty and discomfort keenly. Thank you for sharing what has been on my heart for many years, and with such eloquence.
I am fortunate to worship in a congregation w many widows, so I can sit w one of them or w a younger single woman. I cannot remember, in more than 25 years worshipping as a single adult, any time a family has welcomed me to their pew.
Thank you for sharing! I recognize that weighing of options - do I risk sitting alone the whole service, or do I risk rejection if whatever seat I approach is saved? I’m sorry COVID was so hard for you, and I imagine I would have wept just like you did in that situation. I am suddenly even more grateful that I spent 2020 overseas with just a small home church of fellow believing expats who became like family to each other. Even with our group as small as it was, we couldn’t always meet in person, but even when restrictions were the strictest, I could still sit next to the other single lady in my apartment building for the zoom call. Back in the US now, I have a church that I love and many friends and acquaintances-growing-to-friends, but it has still been a big adjustment, including that dynamic of “Where do I sit?”
I went through the same thing during Covid-era services, though for me it started a year or two before; Covid just pushed it from feeling "alone in the crowd" to being in the literal corner.
Oh man this resonates so deeply. I was chronically unwell for three years, so I spent most of my time at home in bed by myself. Yet the loneliest point of my week was always going to church on Sunday. It just got harder and harder to keep going, and also to hold it together and not burst into tears. And then when I did burst into tears no one came to comfort me as they assumed it was just the Holy Spirit moving so they would leave me be (we’re Charismatics). I ended up leaving that church. It was a very hard decision, but definitely the right one. I now worship in a much smaller congregation where I feel seen and known. Church should be a place of belonging, not isolation. It breaks my heart to hear that my experience is common rather than rare.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. My wife and I have high needs kids which makes being intentional during church hard at any time, but I really appreciate your recommended action steps or things to consider. We’ve got a single guy in our small group and I had him in mind as I was reading this post. Thanks again for sharing.
This is truly what has made it difficult for me to find a church as a single. I struggle with social anxiety as well, so it makes it that much harder. Thank you for sharing this—it was good to feel seen!
My most painful memory of COVID, as a single adult in the US, is that over the full year of lockdowns I experienced human touch only 7 times.
Thank you for sharing so openly here, this is a really insightful post. I’m married with children and although I often feel lonely and anxious in church, my experience is very different to yours so it is incredibly helpful to get this insight. Your experience of Covid restrictions must have been so tough, it is understandable that’s had a lasting impact. I will be looking out for ways to chat, welcome and invite single people in my own church- your practical action points are so useful!