Peering at Marriage & Singleness Through the Lens of the Gospel

The Gospel Coalition recently published an article titled As a Single Man, I Felt Little Pressure to Get Married. I Wish I Had written by author and TGC editor Brett McCracken. As is undoubtedly predictable, I have some thoughts. Quite a few of them, actually.

I hope to explore some of those thoughts in a little more detail over the next week or two. But in the meantime, I think it would be fruitful to explore the broader trajectory of evangelical discourse about marriage and singleness today. This trajectory is on view in McCracken’s article, thought it does not originate from it, nor is it exclusive to it.

Standard disclaimer: As I engage with ideas that people put out into the ether, I am engaging with their ideas, not their person. I don’t know Brett McCracken, but I have no doubt he is a faithful brother in Christ. My engagement with what he has written is intended to reflect that I take him seriously. It is not to be interpreted as a personal “attack” on him or TGC. I wish I didn’t feel the need to reiterate this every time I write a post like this one. And perhaps, if I were a man, I wouldn’t need to. But here we are. And now I’ve said it.

Peering Into Parallel Universes

Here’s the thing, Brett’s article left me—a never-married evangelical Christian woman—with a strange sense of cognitive dissonance. He writes:

…in our cultural moment, and perhaps in certain cultural contexts (like mine in Southern California), arguments for the good of marriage need to be sounded more urgently.

I get why parents, pastors, and church communities are reluctant to say anything about marriage to singles that feels like “pressure.”

Because from my vantage point in a highly secular region (coastal California), as well as from what I see in the broader trends in contemporary Western culture, singleness doesn’t need more defenders. Marriage does.

I was born, bred and live in Sydney, Australia, not coastal Southern California. But I sincerely doubt that the only similarity between SoCal and Sydney is our enviable winter climates, amazing beaches and secularised populations. And so, I was perplexed by Brett’s claim that it is marriage, and not singleness, which needs to be more urgently talked about, argued for, and even defended in our churches today.

I mean, this conclusion seems so opposite to my experience—past and present— within the evangelical church. It seems so not in sync with everything I’ve read and listened to on these twin topics over the last decade or two.

But maybe it is just me? Maybe my experience is an outlier?

It turns out, not so much. Here are just a few social media comments I came across from others who responded to the article:

I find this perspective interesting because it is such a different one than I have witnessed as a 40-something single woman… In my experience marriage and family is put forward with such high esteem that no one would need to be nudged because they would already feel the push.

Your context in California must be very different from my rural church context in the Canadian province of Ontario, because here, marriage definitely doesn’t need, and has never needed, more defenders… Marriage is all too frequently exalted to the point that, as a single guy in my late 20s, I was made to feel somehow incomplete, lacking in some way, before I met and married my wife.

In my early 20s I was a part of a church that ignored singles altogether to serve its large young family ministry. In my late 20s and into my 30s, I was a part of a church that was almost totally devoid of singles…

My response title… would be, “As a Single Woman in her 30s, I Feel Lots of Pressure to Get Married. I Wish I Didn’t.”

It’s almost like Brett and I (and all these other people) inhabit two parallel universes.

In one, Christians have put singleness on some kind of untouchable pedestal, everyone is too nervous to suggest that maybe marriage is a good thing for a single Christian to pursue and, for goodness sake, the last thing anyone in the church needs to do is talk more about singleness.

In the other, single Christians feel isolated, ignored and invisible in their church communities. If they are male, they are regarded with shameful suspicion. If they are female, they are treated with shameful pity. And both are viewed as abnormal, perhaps even aberrant, disciples of Jesus. (I’ve written more about this here).

What exactly is going on?! Who is right? Who is wrong? Which universe are we truly living in?

Well, I think the answers to those questions all come down to what telescopic lens we are looking at that universe through.

An Old Lens Made New Again

Let me explain. Here are some comments from Brett’s article:

Young adults are increasingly delaying marriage and having fewer children, yielding a litany of negative short-term effects and foreshadowing ominous long-term societal consequences.

Another factor in marriage’s decline is a fall in cultural pressure. As marrying young becomes less common and never-married, childless adulthood becomes more normal, fewer singles feel the urgency to seek a spouse and “settle down.”

Here are some comments from two male pastors who I noted discussing Brett’s article online:

The need of the day is not more encouragement toward singleness. It is encouragement toward marriage. This isn't an opinion, so much as statistical fact.

The rate of singleness in modern society is abnormal and unsustainable. Marriage ought to be held in honor by all, including by pursuing it under normal circumstances.

These comments help us identify the telescopic lens through which these men (and so many of their US male colleagues in ministry) are approaching the discussion. It’s a sociological and statistical lens that notes with both alarm and anxiety the declining marriage and fertility rates in US (and broader Western) society.

And so, those looking at the discussion through this lens deduce that the absolute last thing the church needs to be doing right now is defending singleness. After all, there is far, far too much singleness and far, far too little marriage going around these days. And so, the last thing the church should be doing is talking more—and talking more positively—about the societal scourge that is singleness.

But friends, there is nothing new under the sun. Here are a few brief excerpts from my book, The Meaning of Singleness. They come from Chapter One, in which I recount the societal history of singleness in:.

17th and 18th Century England:

Colonial and Post-Colonial America

In other words, the contemporary Western anxiety about the decline in marriage, a lowering of fertility rates and a surplus of recalcitrant singles is not new or novel to our time alone. The nationalistic undercurrent at work beneath this anxiety is not new or novel to our time alone. And the caricaturing and even societal punishment of those who aren’t married—especially women—is not new or novel to our time alone..

Old though this anxiety may be, it is fast becoming the dominant lens through which Christian discussions about marriage and singleness are being refracted today. It is what fuels the assertion that marriage needs urgent defence in and by the church, against the pervasive problem that is singleness.

Here is a case in point:

(It’s my standard practice to redact identifying details when posting screenshots like this. Not because I’m unwilling to cite my sources, but to avoid the whole silly “she’s going after [Insert Name Here]” thing I spoke about earlier)

Do you see how the lens we adopt dictates our perspective? The suggestion that the church needs to rehabilitate a more biblically cohesive approach to singleness is automatically interpreted as an active threat to the fostering and future of marriage and family.

Never mind the centuries-old asymmetrical experience of single Christians in the church. Because now there is an asymmetrical balance between singleness and marriage in society. And so, we are told, the very last thing the church should be doing is painting singleness in any kind of genuinely positive or beneficial light.

A Distorted Lens

Yet, think about the logic of that dialogue above for a moment.

1. I asserted that we Christians need a more faithful theology of singleness and a more life-giving pastoral application of that theology. Surely, it is an utterly unremarkable thing to suggest that Christians should be primarily concerned with making sure our perspective on singleness is consistently and comprehensively aligned with the Bible’s perspective on it? This is Christian life 101.

2. My interlocutor claimed that to do this—i.e., to focus on retrieving a theology and pastoral practice of singleness that is faithful to God’s word—would be a slippery slope towards legitimating fewer marriages and fostering higher rates of fertility decline.

Say what now?!

Reading and applying the Bible faithfully “easily becomes” a baptism of abnormality as normality, and failure as success?! Making our teaching about and pastoring of unmarried Christians more consistent with Scripture would “easily” allow such people to take that biblical inch and then run a mile… in the complete opposite direction?!

Do you see how the lens through which we engage with this discussion can warp what we see and how we respond?

Here’s the thing: If we Christians are fundamentally concerned with a sense that society is not promoting and participating in marriage and family enough, then of course any suggestion that singleness needs to be theologically and pastorally rehabilitated in the church:

• Not only seems absurd, counter-productive and dangerous,

• But it also appears to be a sneaky part of the worldly campaign to undermine, even overthrow marriage and family.

However, if we Christians are fundamentally concerned with ensuring the way we think and love, is faithful to Scripture, glorifying to Christ and shaped by the gospel, then:

• Not only do we not need to be fearful of retrieving a faithful theology and practice of singleness,

• But it will actually assist us in honouring and promoting the good gifts of marriage and family.

Attack is Not the Best Form of Defence

Brothers and sisters, our bread and butter as Christians is not in found in reestablishing some perceived societal “status quo”. Rather, it is living out the Bible’s teaching as those transformed by the gospel of Christ. As we do this, we bear fruit, love the society around us and witness to the transformative power of that good news

And so, the best way to “defend” against singleness being misappropriated by a world that sees it as a license for self-indulgence, self-fulfilment and self-focus is not for us Christians to talk about singleness less, or to talk about singleness less positively.

No, our best response to the world’s corruption of the goodness of singleness is found in upholding the dignity, meaning, significance and purpose of that life situation according to God’s word.

If we do that, we’ll not only delight in a more loving, fruitful and hopeful vision of the unmarried life, but we’ll also witness to a far more loving, fruitful and hopeful vision of married life than the world has on offer.

But.. there’s a catch.

You see, this proactive and productive “defence” of marriage, family and singleness will require us to swap out the tired, old, recycled lens of societal anxiety for a confidently biblical lens that refracts singleness, marriage and family through the light of the gospel.

Allowing the lens of the gospel to refract our perspective in this way:

• Will not lead to us diminishing the biblical dignity, meaning, significance and purpose of marriage.

• Will not lead to us undermining the unique theological and societal significance of having children,

• Will not lead to us discouraging people from marrying and having babies.

But allowing the lens of the gospel to refract our perspective in this way:

• Will require us to take seriously the biblical passages that speak about the dignity, significance and unique advantages of being unmarried as a Christian in the now-but-not-yet.

• Will require us to take seriously the biblical passages that speak about the complexities, challenges and yes, the “fleshly troubles”, of marriage (1 Cor 7:28) for the Christian in the now-but-not-yet.

• Will require our engagement with this issue to be foundationally theological and pastoral in compulsion, rather than sociological in flavour (more on that in a later post).

• Will require us to stop casting marriage and singleness—and therefore, married and single Christians—as competitors in a zero-sum game of Christian life.

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Friends, God’s word will not steer us wrong. We do not need to be fearful of calls to recover a robust, biblically compelling theology of singleness.

Doing so will not diminish marriage and family as the world is hell-bent on doing. No. It will promote and dignify them as Scripture is heaven-bent on doing.

So let’s have confidence in the efficacy of the word of God & the power of the Holy Spirit as we put our biblical lens into the telescope and peer at both singleness and marriage through the gospel.