Brothers and sisters, our bread and butter as Christians is not in found in reestablishing some perceived societal “status quo”. Rather, it is living out the Bible’s teaching as those transformed by the gospel of Christ.
I think a lot of these issues would be resolved if the church stopped expecting the world to behave like the church.
Sure, folk outside the church are not promoting a Christian view of marriage. But here's the thing - they are not promoting a Christian view of singleness either!
I was single until my mid 40s. And in secular circles, my singleness was never questioned - not because they viewed singleness as some kind of higher state of being, but because anything goes.
Want to get married? Great. Want to avoid commitment and sleep with a different guy every weekend? Also great! Want to stay celibate until and unless you marry? Kind of weird, but hey, you do you - whatever makes you happy.
In church, on the other hand, it was constantly implied (and often stated outright) that I was less spiritual, less adult and less successful because I was single - a 'second class' Christian. When I got engaged, I was 'upgraded' by many people, and 'upgraded' even further when I married - although I will never reach the apex of Christian civilisation, because although I've now 'achieved' marriage, I'm still childless (this was 'kindly' pointed out to me only yesterday...)
I wish the church would stop the debate over whether singleness or marriage is 'better' or whether we need to 'promote' one above the other, and just start encouraging EVERYONE to live out their faith, whether married or single. And stop expecting the world to start looking like the church - because if it ever does, we have a serious problem. A church that is being transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit SHOULD be looking different from those around!
Thank you for this discerning essay! I am a single female, & I teach at a Christian college in the Bible Belt in the Southern US. In local churches in this region (largely but not exclusively Southern Baptist), a single believer is probably going to feel like an outsider much of the time, given the perpetual focus on experiencing the Christian faith through being a spouse and a parent as God’s supposedly ideal vision for a Christ-centered life. In this region, the attitude seems tied to culture wars and political tensions as well—that being married and a parent is the best way to stand up against the forces of increasing secularization in American society. Needless to say, it is difficult not to feel rather marginalized in this type of environment as a single believer.
I wish that churches placed more of an emphasis on holistic spiritual formation, as opposed to the continual emphasis on compartmentalized application sermons targeting specific groups as though we are selling a product with a focus on numbers primarily instead of sharing the Gospel and its beautiful message of liberation & redemption for all people—married or single. If we spent more time helping all church members to grow in God’s grace and knowledge through solid doctrine, perhaps this dividing line between single believers and married believers would be less divisive and distinct, and we would experience greater unity in the shared grace, mercy, and truth we find in serving the Lord & glorifying His name through the expression of His calling over our lives.
Thanks for this piece, I always appreciate it when this topic is tackled with nuance.
I do think that the social locations of your early quotes matter… I lived in Adelaide, Australia in my late teens and there was a lot of pressure in the church to get married very young (I almost did at 17). Then I moved to London, and in that context I found that there was a deep aversion to marriage and kids - even in the cool megachurch I was part of. Everyone there wanted to be young and free and serve Jesus with no limits on their lives.
All this to say, I have experienced some contexts where marriage is put on a pedestal and singleness needs to be defended and legitimised, and I have been in others where singleness is the norm, and marriage (or “settling down”) is seen as a cop out from the good life. I think the issue in both cases has very little to do with marriage or singleness. It’s really about idolatry.
I am single female in her late 60’s fast approaching 70 and loving it. As I am well past the child bearing age I do not worry any more about the biological clock but do see the grim reaper hanging in the shadows. I spent almost 12 years in my 50’s and early 60’s taking care of my elderly parents. As the oldest ,this fell to me. I was able to do this mainly because I was single. Now I am finally able to use and pursue gifts and training in ministry, particularly in Christian Education. Singleness allows me to do this without the distraction of marriage. I am blessed to be a part of a church that does not feel sorry for me but provides as many opportunities as I can pursue with the time and energy I have as I near my golden years. Golden , yes because I have the freedom of singleness. I do not let society nor the church’s whispers of” something must be wrong with her if she still single” shackle me from pursuing with total joy and satisfaction in my singleness. I am not a “ a Miss Havisham” from Charles Dickens’ Great Expections. As a single Baby Boomer (and I refuse to see that term as pejorative ) I am going to use the activism that formed my youth with the time I have left this side of heaven to address and hopefully make a difference in the church and society as a single woman who has value and worth complete in herself as God made her.
I do not see my view of singleness as an outlier or as missed chances at married life but as one who is feasting at the buffet of life that God has laid before me.
Thank you for sharing this, Dani. I agree that the "zero-sum game" perspective that pits Christian marriage and Christian singleness against each other is untrue and unhelpful for singleness, marriage, and our relationships in general. I hope we (the church) can learn to lovingly, wisely and graciously push back against this stance when we see it causing harm.
But do we need to fear a dedicated ministry of singleness led by a (terminal?) single?. It is like the dreadful mess of LQBTI ministry that is led by celibate guys. [Such ministry loosely follows the secular notion of wounded healer] >>"We do not need to be fearful of calls to recover a robust, biblically compelling theology of singleness"
I think a lot of these issues would be resolved if the church stopped expecting the world to behave like the church.
Sure, folk outside the church are not promoting a Christian view of marriage. But here's the thing - they are not promoting a Christian view of singleness either!
I was single until my mid 40s. And in secular circles, my singleness was never questioned - not because they viewed singleness as some kind of higher state of being, but because anything goes.
Want to get married? Great. Want to avoid commitment and sleep with a different guy every weekend? Also great! Want to stay celibate until and unless you marry? Kind of weird, but hey, you do you - whatever makes you happy.
In church, on the other hand, it was constantly implied (and often stated outright) that I was less spiritual, less adult and less successful because I was single - a 'second class' Christian. When I got engaged, I was 'upgraded' by many people, and 'upgraded' even further when I married - although I will never reach the apex of Christian civilisation, because although I've now 'achieved' marriage, I'm still childless (this was 'kindly' pointed out to me only yesterday...)
I wish the church would stop the debate over whether singleness or marriage is 'better' or whether we need to 'promote' one above the other, and just start encouraging EVERYONE to live out their faith, whether married or single. And stop expecting the world to start looking like the church - because if it ever does, we have a serious problem. A church that is being transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit SHOULD be looking different from those around!
I absolutely agree. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for this discerning essay! I am a single female, & I teach at a Christian college in the Bible Belt in the Southern US. In local churches in this region (largely but not exclusively Southern Baptist), a single believer is probably going to feel like an outsider much of the time, given the perpetual focus on experiencing the Christian faith through being a spouse and a parent as God’s supposedly ideal vision for a Christ-centered life. In this region, the attitude seems tied to culture wars and political tensions as well—that being married and a parent is the best way to stand up against the forces of increasing secularization in American society. Needless to say, it is difficult not to feel rather marginalized in this type of environment as a single believer.
I wish that churches placed more of an emphasis on holistic spiritual formation, as opposed to the continual emphasis on compartmentalized application sermons targeting specific groups as though we are selling a product with a focus on numbers primarily instead of sharing the Gospel and its beautiful message of liberation & redemption for all people—married or single. If we spent more time helping all church members to grow in God’s grace and knowledge through solid doctrine, perhaps this dividing line between single believers and married believers would be less divisive and distinct, and we would experience greater unity in the shared grace, mercy, and truth we find in serving the Lord & glorifying His name through the expression of His calling over our lives.
Thanks for this piece, I always appreciate it when this topic is tackled with nuance.
I do think that the social locations of your early quotes matter… I lived in Adelaide, Australia in my late teens and there was a lot of pressure in the church to get married very young (I almost did at 17). Then I moved to London, and in that context I found that there was a deep aversion to marriage and kids - even in the cool megachurch I was part of. Everyone there wanted to be young and free and serve Jesus with no limits on their lives.
All this to say, I have experienced some contexts where marriage is put on a pedestal and singleness needs to be defended and legitimised, and I have been in others where singleness is the norm, and marriage (or “settling down”) is seen as a cop out from the good life. I think the issue in both cases has very little to do with marriage or singleness. It’s really about idolatry.
yes, and amen
I am single female in her late 60’s fast approaching 70 and loving it. As I am well past the child bearing age I do not worry any more about the biological clock but do see the grim reaper hanging in the shadows. I spent almost 12 years in my 50’s and early 60’s taking care of my elderly parents. As the oldest ,this fell to me. I was able to do this mainly because I was single. Now I am finally able to use and pursue gifts and training in ministry, particularly in Christian Education. Singleness allows me to do this without the distraction of marriage. I am blessed to be a part of a church that does not feel sorry for me but provides as many opportunities as I can pursue with the time and energy I have as I near my golden years. Golden , yes because I have the freedom of singleness. I do not let society nor the church’s whispers of” something must be wrong with her if she still single” shackle me from pursuing with total joy and satisfaction in my singleness. I am not a “ a Miss Havisham” from Charles Dickens’ Great Expections. As a single Baby Boomer (and I refuse to see that term as pejorative ) I am going to use the activism that formed my youth with the time I have left this side of heaven to address and hopefully make a difference in the church and society as a single woman who has value and worth complete in herself as God made her.
I do not see my view of singleness as an outlier or as missed chances at married life but as one who is feasting at the buffet of life that God has laid before me.
Thank you for sharing this, Dani. I agree that the "zero-sum game" perspective that pits Christian marriage and Christian singleness against each other is untrue and unhelpful for singleness, marriage, and our relationships in general. I hope we (the church) can learn to lovingly, wisely and graciously push back against this stance when we see it causing harm.
But do we need to fear a dedicated ministry of singleness led by a (terminal?) single?. It is like the dreadful mess of LQBTI ministry that is led by celibate guys. [Such ministry loosely follows the secular notion of wounded healer] >>"We do not need to be fearful of calls to recover a robust, biblically compelling theology of singleness"
Is that first sentence a hypothetical question or are you referring to a specific "dedicated ministry of singleness led by a (terminal?) single"?