A few days ago, a short excerpt from Kevin DeYoung’s book, Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God’s Will, appeared in my newsfeed. It was posted by a pastor and professor of systematic theology and the New Testament who wrote, “Kevin DeYoung’s analysis and advice here is spot on!’”.
This was the excerpt he posted:
… when there is an overabundance of Christian singles who want to be married, this is a problem. And it’s a problem I put squarely at the feet of young men whose immaturity, passivity, and indecision are pushing their hormones to the limits of self-control, delaying the growing-up process, and forcing countless numbers of young women to spend lots of time and money pursuing a career (which is not necessarily wrong) when they would rather be getting married and having children. Men, if you want to be married, find a godly gal, treat her right, talk to her parents, pop the question, tie the knot, and start making babies.
Kevin DeYoung, Just Do Something, p.108.
Before I go any further, let me offer some initial comments.
I have not read the whole book. I do not believe that this excerpt represents the entirety of DeYoung’s thinking on singleness, let alone marriage. Some of what I have to say below may be mitigated by things he says elsewhere in either that particular book or his broader body of work. I’m simply here responding to the content of this particular quote as something a Christian leader publicly promoted as being “spot on!”
I take it that DeYoung’s comments were motivated by a genuine concern and love for the many single Christian women in today’s church who desire to be married. I don’t read any ill intent whatsoever in their content or in his probable motivation. I don’t think he is setting out to objectify, diminish or harm women
And finally, I am very well aware that DeYoung is most definitely not sitting alone on a limb here. Much of what he says in the excerpt above finds confirmation in the thoughts of others. Indeed, what he says is a well-established part of the contemporary Christian discourse on marriage and singleness. I explore this at more length in my book.1
With all that being said, not only do I consider this excerpt from DeYoung to be theologically troubling, but also deeply pastorally problematic for the very single Christian women whom DeYoung expresses concern for.
Let me explain why I say that.
#1: The Problem of Overabundance
Look at the first sentence of the quote:
… when there is an overabundance of Christian singles who want to be married, this is a problem.
Now, to be fair to DeYoung, he introduces this sentence with some other words that were not included in the original quote I saw posted:
There is nothing wrong with being single. It can be a gift from the Lord and a gift to the church. But when there is an overabundance of Christian singles who want to be married, this is a problem.
DeYoung is keen to make sure people know he doesn’t think singleness itself is a problem. It can (potentially) be a gift from the Lord and may (potentially) be a gift to the church. But he thinks an “overabundance” of Christian singles who would prefer to be married is a “problem”.
I'm not exactly sure when an abundance becomes an overabundance. Who can tell when many single Christians become too many single Christians?! But, note that DeYoung’s concern requires us to focus our attention on the issue of singles who want/desire/long for marriage. We’ll come back to that in a moment.
As we read on, we discover that for DeYoung, this is essentially an issue of supply and demand. When demand (single Christian women who want to marry) outstrips supply (single Christian men who are ready and willing to marry them), simple capitalist economics tells us that supply must increase to meet demand. DeYoung’s solution is simple—more young Christian men must be ready to marry all the young Christian women and to do so more quickly.
The problem is that this framing of the issue is not a biblical or theological approach to singleness itself, NOR to the matter of how we faithfully respond to unmet wants, longings and desires. For instance:
Why is an “overabundance” of Christian singles in the church a “problem”? The apostle Paul didn’t seem to be overly concerned about there being too many singles in the church, right? (Check out 1 Cor 7:7, 17-24). Could it not be that having many single Christian women in our spiritual family might, in fact, be a blessing to the church? Could not their (and their male counterparts) presence amongst us be a vital eschatological reminder that a too often worldly church needs? Might not they be witnesses who testify to God’s grace and the Spirit’s sufficiency in, for and through them, despite how they feel about their singleness? What DeYoung identifies as a problem is only a problem if you start with that working assumption that it is indeed a problem.
Since when is our desire for something a surefire indication that it is something we ought to set our hearts and minds on? Perhaps something we are obliged to be provided with or even owed? Why is this “problem” rightly framed through a capitalist “me get what me want” approach to our desires? Why do we not respond to the unmet desire for marriage in the same way we do other unmet desires in the Christian life—by first interrogating our desires and discerning what they reveal about the state of our hearts?2 Why do we not consider that some, even many, of these young women’s desire for marriage may not be as biblically informed as it could or should be? Why do we not primarily focus our efforts on exhorting her always to cast her anxieties on God? Why is our priority on something other than encouraging her to pray he might answer her prayers for a spouse while exhorting her to seek contentment in Christ regardless? As a friend of mine has succinctly put it, “imagined ‘preference’ [is not] a stable ground for moral exhortation”.
DeYoung’s (and many others) capitalist supply/demand formulation does not reflect genuine theological or biblical thinking about singleness (or marriage). Nor does it provide single Christians (especially women) with the careful pastoral care, comfort and challenge they need from us as they seek to faithfully and maturely navigate unfulfilled longings and desires in this life.
#2: The Problem of Female Passivity
Let me reiterate something, I know DeYoung’s comments were made with the interests of unmarried Christian women in mind. But here’s the thing: Those same comments render those women little more than passive characters in their own stories.
DeYoung tells us that “Countless numbers of young women” are in the situation they are in because they have been “forced” into it by men. This, of course, means it is up to the men to resolve her situation. In fact, if young men just got their act together, then they could come up with a double whammy! They could solve “the gal’s” “problem” while simultaneously also solving the “problem” that “the gal” is in and for the church. Voila!
But where is the single Christian woman herself in all of this? Where is her personal responsibility and agency (whether exercised wisely or poorly)? Why is her situation simply depicted as the “square” result of male ineptitude? Why have her own decisions not been seen to play any role in our her situation (again, whether those decisions were wise or poor)? Why is a potential lack of spiritual maturity on her part not on view in this narrative?
How is it that DeYoung (and all these young men) know what she’d “rather” be doing than putting her experience, education and expertise into action as a worker? Come to that, why is she not rightly permitted to yearn to serve in more than one good way, at the same time? To desire to be a wife and mother and a woman who works in some active capacity?
And why is she “the gal” a guy needs to “find” rather than a woman called to take responsibility and seek out good for herself and those around her? Why is she simply the victim of the (male) other?
Where is she in her own narrative? She’s nowhere. She’s a ghost.
#3: The Problem of the “Just Do It” Approach
Let me speak frankly, earnestly and urgently.
Christians (and especially pastors), PLEASE stop telling young, immature men with a lack of self-control just to go out there, “find a godly gal” (anyone will do), and get married.
Wives are not the ready-made solution to those men’s immaturity. They are not an off-the-shelf remedy for those men’s lust.
It seems that everywhere I look right now, Christian leaders are espousing sociological data that (apparently) proves that marriage = happiness. So, since we’re apparently all sold on the authority of sociology for determining Christian moral action, here’s a sociological observation for you. Like it or not, the material conditions of the 21st-century West mean that, in a range of very important respects, today’s young people are significantly less mature than their 15th, 9th, and 1st-century counterparts.
Pastors encouraging, nay, commanding young Christian men who exhibit significant social and spiritual immaturity to just find someone, “pop the question, tie the knot and start making babies” is… well, it’s just 🤯. It puts the bulk of the burden of that guy’s selfishness, unreliability, fear of commitment, and lack of maturity on their young wife. She’s meant to be the solution, the thing that will set him on the right path.
Such a woman finds herself in a very tenuous position. The young “gal” who has been found, married & impregnated before she has had the chance to grow up herself, form and build robust non-marital relationships, and even develop incoming-earning potential in our capitalist market finds herself in a very vulnerable position today. You don’t have to like it to recognise the truth of it.
A guy doesn’t need to be an abuser out to exploit that vulnerability intentionally. He just needs to be someone who has been consistently told that marrying and having babies with her is what will set him on the right path. When that doesn’t magically happen, who do you think bears the brunt? Who do you think is left isolated, confused, alone and perhaps even scared in that situation?
We keep hearing (and rightly so) that marriage is hard. It is difficult. It takes sacrifice and effort. It involves a persistent commitment to being other-person-centered for so long as you both shall live. And then, in the next breath, we read exhortations that urge young, immature, selfish, commitment-phobic, uncontrolled, unreliable, anxious young men to just “find a godly gal, treat her right, talk to her parents, pop the question, tie the knot, and start making babies.”
I am not saying that getting married young is always (or even often) inadvisable. But, in light of the realities of our day and age, I am saying it is incredibly shortsighted and can be pastorally disastrous—especially for women—to just keep on blithely insisting that getting married young is ‘the Christian way’.3
#3: The Problem That Isn’t Recognised
Finally, DeYoung’s words don’t account for the fact that there are significantly more unmarried women in our churches than unmarried men. Even if 99% of unmarried Christian men followed his exhortation to the letter, there would still be loads of unmarried Christian women who long to be wives but who still aren’t.
What is his (and our) word to those sisters in Christ?
After all, they’ve just been told they are a “problem” of “overabundance” in and for the church. They’ve just been told that their situation is one they have been “forced” into “squarely at the feet of young men”. They have just been told that their situation needs to be solved by the actions of these young men.
So when all the Christian men step up to the plate and decide to marry someone else… tell me, what then?
I beg you to consider how this leaves the still unmarried Christian women thinking about themselves, their value, their worth, and their dignity in the eyes of others.
I beg you to consider how this might play upon all their insecurities (because trust me, it will) and how it may even give Satan a foothold that he’s eagerly ready to exploit.
I beg you to realise how poorly this approach equips them to deal with unresolved longings, unanswered prayers and unprocessed grief in a Christian community that sees their ongoing situation as, if not a problem, then certainly a pity.
I beg you to consider how this very logically may lead them to decide that, since a man who knows and loves Jesus hasn’t solved their “problem” (and the “problem” they are), then it's up to them to solve it themselves by marrying a man who does not know and love Jesus.
I don’t believe that DeYoung’s comments here offer nothing of any value. I do consider it very important that older, wiser, faithful Christian men (and indeed, women!) encourage, equip, and exhort young Christian men to grow to maturity in Christ and their love of others. To borrow DeYoung’s book title, we must Just Do Something about that.
However, the ‘Just Do It’ approach to marriage is not that something. Our love for God and our love for others demands much more of us than that approach allows.
Scripture’s actual teaching about singleness, marriage, and the church provides us with a far more robust, compelling, and faithful way to love and encourage our single sisters and brothers, and indeed our married brothers and sisters, as we all await the return of our Lord and Christ together.
For those interested in reading more on what I call the “Sanctification Narrative” of Christian marriage, including how others have contributed to the construction of that narrative, you might like to read pp. 46-49 of my book The Meaning of Singleness.
To be fair to DeYoung, he does offer a few brief comments about the importance of praying that we might have the right motives for marriage (see p. 106). However, these seem to be more about having the right motivations about whether to marry a specific person, rather than about the desires of our hearts when it comes to marriage more broadly.
Furthermore, just because it was ‘the Christian way’ in the highly idiosyncratic decade of the 1950s, does not mean it was ‘the Christian way’ in the decades and centuries before that. Historical data testifies to significant fluctuations in men's and women’s age of first marriage.
"Wives are not the ready-made solution to those men’s immaturity. They are not an off-the-shelf remedy for those men’s lust." 🔥
Such an excellent piece!
You are a breath of fresh air, Dani.